On Anxiety

2016 has finally arrived, and with it has come a few goals that I’ve set myself for the new year. One of these goals is to start stepping out of my comfort zone more, and writing this blog post feels like a good place to start. 

Anxiety has been a huge part of my life for the past four years. In fact, it’s not just been a part of my life… so far, it’s ruled my life.

I’ve always wanted to feel brave enough to write about it openly, but there were just too many things putting me off the whole idea. Recently, though, my mum mentioned that she thought I should do something online to help other anxiety sufferers — and suggested that maybe I blog about it. (Side note: my mum doesn't even know that I have a blog.) Now, I’m not sure I believe in ‘signs from the universe’ exactly — but I did take this as the push I needed to finally bite the bullet and just do it.

So, I thought I’d start off with a quick post inspired by the amazing MegSays, who worked with fellow M.E. sufferers to explain how it feels to suffer from their chronic illness. I was surprised to see how many of the points I related to, despite suffering from a completely different illness (which also happens to be mental rather than physical).

It was such a brilliant blog post, and it’s been really interesting for me to form my own version centered around anxiety.

Anxiety physically feels like:

• Butterflies or knots in your stomach

• Shortness of breath

• You start feeling dizzy. You’re getting light-headed. 

• You feel your body breaking into a sweat. You try to distract yourself, but the symptoms continue. They demand your attention. They demand to be felt.

• Panic. It consumes you. You begin to feel sick.

• An intense feeling is building up. Something is taking over – something you can’t control.

• Your senses are heightened. It sets you on edge.

• You feel detached from the world around you. It looks different, sounds different, feels different.

• You're shaking. You start to feel weak.

• Your heart is racing so fast, it physically hurts

• The feeling is overwhelming. You’re afraid you might collapse, or even die.

• When the panic ends, your body goes into a state of exhaustion. You feel as though you’ve just run a marathon. 

Anxiety mentally feels like:

• You’re drowning and desperately gasping for breath, but nobody around you notices

• You’re like a prisoner, being punished by your own mind. You’re trapped and you can’t break free.

• You’re in a constant battle between your ‘true’ self and your ‘ill’ self – and somehow, your ill self always wins

• You’re trapped behind a glass wall, watching as everyone else enjoys life. You want to join in, but can't find the strength to shatter the glass.

• You've been thrown in at the deep end, and you don’t know how to swim

• Each day – each small task – feels like climbing a mountain. You're exhausted all of the time.

• You feel incompetent. Embarrassed. Ashamed. You’re living a life you don't feel capable of living. You constantly feel as though you've let yourself down.

• Your own mind has betrayed you – but you know that you're stuck with it. You've become your own worst enemy, and there's nothing you can do.

• You watch as the world keeps turning, but you can't keep up. You’re not living anymore. You’re just existing.

• You've grown to be fearful of fear itself.

If you're someone who suffers from anxiety, I think that coming up with your own version of this post could be a really cathartic exercise. It could also help you to communicate how you feel with friends and family, or even a professional. 

  

And if, like me, one of your New Year's Resolutions is to work on tackling your anxiety, I truly wish you all of the best. Break down your goals into chunks and be sure to reward yourself for even the tiniest bit of progress. Remember: trying is progress, too!

Most of all, please try not to be hard on yourself. Never forget that living with an illness like anxiety every day just goes to show how brave you truly are.

All of my love,

facebook / bloglovin / twitter / instagram