If you follow me online or have read my blog before, you might already know that I had major spine surgery at the end of 2017. Before the operation, I wrote a blog post explaining my situation here, but I’ve not posted much about it since. Truth be told, I was hoping that I could come back in 6 to 12 months saying that the surgery was a success and that I’d recovered well. But unfortunately, that just isn’t the case. Not only did I not get better, but I ended up getting much worse.
I always knew that this was a risk. I’d read all the horror stories. In fact, they terrified me so much that I very nearly didn’t go ahead with the operation at all. But I guess I just had hope. Hope that I’d be one of the lucky ones.
It was a hope that didn’t come true, though – and now I have to work on coming to terms with that.
My weeks are split between “good days” (2-4 on the pain scale), “okay days” (4-6 on the pain scale) and “bad days” (7-9 on the pain scale).
On a good day, I can get on with most things and do a decent amount of walking. I’m usually quite a bit slower than most people and it’s hard, but I can do it. (I’ll normally crash afterwards from exhaustion though, and will probably be in pain for a few days after. It’s kind of like a full-body hangover.)
On a bad day, getting out of bed is a huge struggle. Walking and standing is absolute agony. It’s hard to get even the most basic of tasks done; I’ll often skip meals to avoid cooking; I hobble around with a limp any time I am on my feet; and I’m constantly exhausted. I can’t even settle into a comfortable position in bed, I can’t concentrate on anything like a TV show to distract myself, and I certainly can’t get off to sleep to nap the pain away.
Ironically, the pain isn’t in my spine, but instead is in my left leg and foot. Pin-pointing the issue has been a hell of an ordeal in itself, though. Recovery from major spinal fusion surgery is messy and scary and uncertain. The recovery can take one to two years in total, so at first, it’s hard to know which symptoms you should even worry about, or what could be causing them.
Having my spine moved meant that my hips, legs, and – well, basically the entire alignment of my body – was also moved, so there was a lot to adjust to. When I started learning to walk again, I noticed a problem pretty much straight away. I walked with a limp in my left leg, my left foot would click every time I took a step, and they'd get sore and tired very quickly. But my entire body was in pain and experiencing weird sensations and pains at that point – that’s just a standard part of the recovery process... So, if I’m honest, I didn’t think much of it at all.
However, as I recovered more and the pain in my body lessened, I noticed that the problems with my leg and foot stuck around. Unfortunately, though, figuring out what the problem actually is has been a huge struggle.
After spinal fusion surgery, you’re supposed to have four follow-up appointments:
• a 3-month follow-up
• a 6-month follow-up
• a 1-year follow-up
• a 2-year follow-up
Because I was still very much in the recovery period for my first two follow-up appointments, the specialists told me to just keep an eye on the pain and see how I was doing by my 1-year follow-up appointment. He thought the pain may well go away when my body fully recovered.
It didn’t, though. In fact, it just continued to get worse.
Despite endless chasing up with the hospital, I didn’t get my 1-year follow-up appointment until I was 2 whole years post-op (last October). By this time, my leg was causing me so much pain that I’d genuinely consider getting it amputated if somebody offered. I was referred for a CT scan to check whether the metal hardware in my back was compressing any nerves, and am now on the waiting list for a couple of other tests. I also had my body assessed by an osteopath this year, after my specialist told me it would be safe to see one as long as they were gentle.
The osteopath found that there is a lot wrong with my left leg and foot, as well as the left side of my pelvis. The weight-bearing parts of my body have been hugely affected by everything being realigned, which is why it hurts so much to sit, walk, or stand. I have a lot of tightness in those areas, and the problems she found with my body are essentially problems typically found in athletes, because basic things like walking and standing put my body under the same strain as a normal person would be under from doing intense physical activity.
I finally received one diagnosis, too – a foot condition called plantar fasciitis. Left untreated, this can get severe, chronic, disabling and cause further complications, which explains why my pain and difficulties have consistently gotten worse over the months/years.
Of course, I wish with every fibre of my (dysfunctional) being that this was a positive update. I wish I could say that I had the surgery, recovered, and it’s all over. But this is my life now, and I’m starting to try and accept that.
The physical pain and difficulties have also obviously caused a lot of emotional pain and difficulty, but I’ve started therapy this year to try and work through everything as best I can. Writing has always been something I’ve done to process what I’m going through, but:
1. This has taken a long time to start accepting (or even understanding, given how long it’s taken/is taking to get answers)
2. Writing as a hobby has fallen by the wayside a lot since my operation, because finding the physical and mental energy to sit and write something is a lot trickier
I really do want to start blogging more about my experience with everything, though – mentally and physically – to process, to offer some insight into life with chronic pain/health problems, and maybe even to help someone feel less alone if they’re going through something similar.
Writing has always been my outlet, and I think I need it now more than ever.
I hope you’re all safe and well.
Love,
