Thursday, 16 November 2017

Dear Diary: Step By Step

I spent every day in the hospital wanting so badly to be home. Tick... tick... tick... But when I shuffled in through my front door a week later, all I could do was cry. There was no more counting the days in the hospital. Day 1... Day 2... Day 3... But now it’s counting the days, weeks, months to recovery. Month 4... Month 5... Month 6... 

Sure, the operation is behind me, but now there are months – a year – of recovery ahead, and absolutely no going back.

So I cried as I mourned the body I’d just lost. My strength. My independence. My ability to walk, move, lift, twist, bend.

I cried in fear of what’s to come. When will the pain stop? When will I feel normal again? When will I be normal again?

Being home and back to ‘reality’ suddenly made everything feel real. Being ‘not okay’ in hospital felt normal, but being ‘not okay’ at home feels sad and strange and scary and daunting.

When I got home, I felt like I should be happy. Or at the very least, relieved. But I couldn’t. Because it’s not over. It’s just beginning.

And I guess all I can do now is keep on pushing forward. Literal step by literal step at a time.

Tuesday, 24 October 2017

Scoliosis & Me

As I stood in my bikini at 13 years old examining my reflection in the mirror, I had no idea that what I saw was anything to be concerned about. Nor did I realise at 14 years old, when the doctor looked at my body and said “scoliosis”. I had no idea that, at 21 years old, I'd have a letter on my fridge reading: “31st October, 2017: Spinal fusion surgery”. But now, here I am, counting down the days until my spine becomes part-bone, part-metal.

What is scoliosis?
For those of you who might not have heard of it, scoliosis (pronounced sko-lee-o-sis) is a medical condition “where the spine twists and curves to the side”.


I have one curve in my upper spine, and another in my lower spine, so my spine is actually an ‘S’ shape. (I'm hoping to get my hands on my X-Ray next time I'm in hospital, but until then, here are some I pinched from Google to give you an idea of what I mean!)  
Scoliosis isn't always necessarily a ‘bad’ condition, and it's *definitely* not one that often requires surgery (so don't let a diagnosis cause instant panic!). It can cause pain, difficulties and more serious problems (for some people, it can crush bones, organs and lungs), but it's different for every person. It often depends on certain factors, like how big the curve is, and where in the spine it is. 

Some quick facts:
·         Scoliosis affects 2-3% of the population (that’s 1.6 million people in the UK)
·         Less than 1% of the population will develop scoliosis that requires treatment
·         Less than 0.1% will require surgery
·         Scoliosis is most commonly diagnosed for the first time in children aged 10-15
·         20% of people with relatives who have scoliosis also develop the condition
·         80% of all scoliosis cases have an unknown cause
·         Scoliosis is more common amongst girls than boys

There are a few different types of scoliosis. It can be something that you’re born with, something that develops in old age, or something that’s caused by a separate nerve or muscle condition – but I have the most common type, known as Adolescent Idiopathic Scoliosis.

‘Adolescent’ means that the curves seemed to develop when I hit puberty, and ‘Idiopathic’ means that there's no known cause or explanation for why this happened.

I'm not really sure exactly when my scoliosis started developing, but I was diagnosed at age 14. I had been experiencing back pain, but this wasn’t the reason that prompted us to go to the doctor. What triggered the doctor’s visit was spotting that I had two noticeably uneven hips.

My family and I were on holidays in Portugal, and I’d packed a couple of bikinis for the pool. When I was stood in the mirror one day, I noticed how asymmetrical my hips were.

I didn’t think anything of it – I just found it quite amusing, and assumed that they’d probably even out as my body developed. But, when I pointed it out to my mum, she wasn’t so sure.

When we went to the doctor, I was asked to bend over and try and touch my toes – not because she was testing to see whether I could reach them or not (thank god, because I definitely can't!), but because this allowed her to examine my back. This is known as the “Adam’s Forward Bend Test”, where doctors will check for signs of scoliosis such as:
·         One shoulder or shoulder blade appearing higher than the other
·         Rib cage appearing higher on one side
·         One hip appearing higher or more prominent than the other
·         The waist appearing uneven
·         The body tilting to one side
·         One leg appearing shorter than the other

This isn’t always a fool-proof method of spotting scoliosis – some people’s backs may look okay when they actually aren’t – but it might be something worth trying out at home if you suspect that you or your child may have it. Just make sure you go to a doctor if you think that something is wrong!

The doctor confirmed that I had scoliosis (which meant absolutely nothing to me at the time), and then referred me to the hospital for some back X-Rays. It wasn’t until I was shown my X-Rays that I started to get an idea of what was going on with my spine (and finally understood why I experienced so much back pain!).

From a spinal X-Ray, every scoliosis patient should be given a measurement of the size of their curve, which gets measured in degrees. If I'm remembering right, I think I was given a measurement of a 12 degree curve in my upper back, and a 21 degree curve in my lower back. Anyone with a curve above 10 degrees is considered to have scoliosis, but curves under 20 degrees are considered mild.

At first, I was just told that I would be called into hospital every 6 months for more X-Rays to monitor my scoliosis. (This is particularly important when you’re still growing, because the likelihood is that, as you grow, the size of your curve will, too.) I was also referred to a physiotherapist to try and help with my back pain, but eventually, stubborn, impatient, lazy teenage-me got bored of the whole thing and gave up on it.


Things changed when I turned 15. I went back to the hospital for my usual X-Rays, and then to discuss them with my doctor. But she looked concerned. “Your spine has progressed a lot since last time,” she said. “You’ll have to be fitted with a brace.”

Treatment: Back brace
The hospital referred me to an Orthopaedic Centre so I could get more specialist care for my scoliosis; and, while I waited to be called in, I had a cast of my back taken at the hospital so I could be fitted for my back brace.

A back brace is most typically used to treat scoliosis patients who are still growing. It can’t be used to reduce their curve(s), but the hope is that it might prevent the scoliosis from getting worse as the patient grows.

The brace is custom-fit to their body and is made out of a hard plastic. The idea is that it will put pressure on the parts of the spine that are curving, to try and limit or stop its progression. I was told that I would have to wear my brace all day, but could take it off to sleep.

I was allowed to choose the colour of the straps for my brace, and apparently 15-year-old me 
thought a mix of pink and purple was a great idea. I have a feeling it won't catch on, though.

Treatment: Spinal fusion surgery
Turns out I never needed that back brace. I think I’d only worn it at home for a day before attending my appointment at the Orthopaedics Centre and having my X-Ray examined by the specialist.

“It’s too late. That’s not going to do anything for you,” he told me. He measured my lower curve at 43 degrees, and said it was too severe and too late in my growth for the brace to have any effect.

When I was first told that I qualified for spine surgery, I wasn’t scared – I was actually happy. I thought that sounded great – an answer to all of my problems! (Needless to say, I was a *little bit* naïve.) I thought the surgery would give me a normal body, get rid of my back pain, make me stronger, and lessen my limitations. I remember thinking “wow, I’ll actually be strong enough to pick up my future child without my back hurting”. But it turns out, none of those are guarantees.

As my surgeon explained, the main aim of this surgery isn’t to put an end to my current problems – it’s to stop them from getting worse.

Once someone’s spinal curvature reaches a certain size, it’s likely to keep getting bigger throughout the rest of their life – particularly as they get older and their bones get weaker. Spinal fusion surgery aims to stop that.

How does the surgery work?
It involves straightening out the spine as much as possible before fusing the bones together to try and prevent the spine from re-curving.

To hold the bones in place while they fuse together (which actually takes a year or more!), two metal rods are placed on either side of the spine and attached using metal screws. These rods and screws should remain in your body for the rest of your life.

You can actually watch videos of the surgery on YouTubebut I wouldn’t recommend
 if you’re squeamish!

My fusion is only going to be done on the curve in my lower back, due to my upper curve not being as severe. (I think it's currently just over 20 degrees in size.) Surgeons generally aim to operate on as little of their patient’s spine as possible, because, unfortunately, spinal fusion surgery limits motion. (There are other surgical options available to treat scoliosis, but none on the NHS/in the UK.)

Operation day
As my consultant could see from my X-Rays that I’d almost finished growing at 15, he said that I could wait until I was 18 (and had definitely finished growing) before getting the surgery. (Like I said, scoliosis is likely to get worse as you grow. The fact that I didn’t have much growing left to do meant that my scoliosis was unlikely to get much worse in that time-frame.) 

When I finally did turn 18, it was a bit of a faff finally getting to that point  more X-Rays, an appointment to discuss the surgery, an MRI scan, a lot of waiting around... I was in university by the time I was told it would go ahead. My consultant said hed make sure my operation was in the summer, so that the majority of my recovery time could happen over the holidays (and I would miss less uni as a result). This never happened though, and the operation date ended up being in the middle of my second year of university. I really didnt want to take time off, so I promptly said “thanks but no thanks”, and asked to be taken off the waiting list until Id graduated.  

So now... here I am. 

On the 31st October 2017, I’m going to wake up with a new body – and that’s the body I’m going to have for the rest of my life. I’ll have to learn to stand up and sit and walk again. I’ll never be able to bend or twist or move in the same way. 

I’m not going to lie – it’s pretty daunting. For the rest of my life, I’ll have two metal rods holding a part of my spine stiff. I’ll have to be careful with how I move, and with what I lift. My flexibility will be reduced. (Because of where my curve is, I actually have to be fused in the part of my spine with the most flexibility, which is a massive bummer.) 

It’s not that it’s all doom and gloom, though. For some people, this surgery is the best thing that has ever happened to them. I’ve heard of people who go on to absolutely thrive. Some say that they’re stronger, less limited, and in less pain; some say that they’re weaker, more limited, and in more pain. You never know. And I’ll admit, it’s scary not knowing. But this is (probably... hopefully) the best option for me in the long-run. 


I’ll definitely post an entire blog about the surgery at some point, and I expect that I might just generally be blogging more after the op – not necessarily about my scoliosis, but just as a way to kill time! (The recovery time is pretty long, so Im probably going to end up hella bored!)

If you’ve actually read through to the end of this post, thank you! This is by far the longest blog I’ve ever posted. (Perhaps the next time I post, I’ll be partly made of metal!) 

Oh, and if you have any questions  no matter how personal  please don’t hesitate to message me! 

I hope you’re all well.


Thursday, 27 July 2017

Let's Talk About Mental Health

I’m writing this on Thursday 20th July, not long after hearing the heart-breaking news that Linkin Park’s Chester Bennington has taken his own life.
Obviously, there’s been an outpouring of grief online – but that’s not all.
People are asking for change.
People want the stigma around mental illness to end.

So let’s talk about it. Let’s get the conversation going. The more we talk about it, the less ‘taboo’ it’ll feel.
And this is so important.
We can’t keep living in a world where suffering is met with judgement. We can’t keep living in a world where people feel that they have to keep their problems hidden. We need to live in a world where people feel comfortable enough to open up about their mental health. Where we encourage these conversations, instead of shutting them down. Where we actively try to fight the stigma. Where we show that we’re there for anyone who is suffering. Because this plays such a huge part in people’s mental well-being.

Let’s not be part of the problem – let’s work to minimise it. 

Let's Talk About Mental Health:
► Post about it. Tweet about it. Blog about it. Whether you’re suffering or not, your contribution to the conversation is so valuable.
► Share. Retweet. Reblog. Spread the word. You never know who it might help.
► Let people know that you’re there to talk to, free of judgement
 Share your own stories. (You never know – this could encourage others to do the same.)
► Reach out for help if you’re struggling. Whether that’s to a loved one or a professional, it’s so important you don’t keep your problems to yourself.
► Find a way to open up that suits you; whether that’s through text or Facebook message, over coffee, or even through a letter
► Ask friends how they're feeling. How they're really feeling. Share how you're feeling, too.
► Support people who open up about their mental illness(es)
► Reassure people that they don't 'sound crazy'
► Share information about helpful resources and crisis numbers
► Make an effort to talk about mental health in the same way you'd talk about physical health
► Stay judgement-free
► Remind people that they're not alone
► If you know someone who’s struggling, check up on them regularly
► Offer an ear to listen and a shoulder to cry on
► Ask how you can help
► Encourage others to be open, and not to feel ashamed

And remember: admitting that you’re struggling doesn’t make you weak. In fact, it makes you brave as hell.

For a global list of crisis contact details, click here.
Read more about NME's #LetsTalk campaign here.

Sunday, 23 July 2017

I’ve been away for a while...

I’ve been away for a while. I’ve not been blogging. Though I have been writing. Lots and lots.
I’ve been working towards a degree in Creative and Professional Writing.
And on the 11th of July 2017, I graduated with a First Class Honours.

Dress*- £32 • Lipstick (in Firestorm)- £6 • Shoes - £25.99 • Clutch - £10 
*Affiliate links

Sunday, 2 October 2016

10 Little Ways to De-stress

1. Listen to some soothing music.

2. Light some candles or incense.

3. Watch an uplifting film with a blanket and a mug of hot chocolate.

4. Take a warm, relaxing bath.

5. Do some colouring in.

6. Lie in bed and count your breaths.

7. Light some fairy-lights, get cosy and read a book. (Or listen to an audio-book.)

8. Cuddle with a pet.

9. Paint your nails.

10. Try an anti-anxiety app. My favourites are Pacifica, Calm, and Relax MelodiesHD.

And if things are really bad, just remember: "this too shall pass".

How about you? I'd love to hear what helps you out when you're feeling stressed. Leave your suggestions in the comments below!

Lots of love,

Saturday, 1 October 2016

31 Movies to Watch on Netflix this Halloween

1. Hush (2016)

A deaf writer who retreated to the woods for a life of solitude must fight for her life in silence when a masked killer appears at her window. 

2. Case 39 (2009)

A naïve social worker brings a young girl into her home to rescue her from abusive parents – only to learn that she isn’t all that she seems… (Starring Renée Zellweger and Bradley Cooper)

3. Insidious (2011)

Hoping to leave their haunted house behind, a suburban family moves to a new place, only to discover that the home wasn’t haunted… their eldest son is. (Starring Patrick Wilson and Rose Byrne)

A demented serial killer closing in on his next victim. An FBI agent desperate for help. Former FBI agent Will Graham must turn to his old enemy, the savage Hannibal “The Cannibal” Lecter, to help him catch a new murderer. Tick tock. Tick tock.

5. The Babadook (2014)

A single mother plagued by the violent death of her husband battles with her son's fear of a monster lurking in the house - but soon discovers a sinister presence all around her. If it’s in a word, or it’s in a look, you can’t get rid of the Babadook…

6. Dark Skies (2013)

Two nights ago, a suburban mother saw a shadowy figure standing over her bed. Tonight, the seizures start… As the Barret family's peaceful suburban life is rocked by an escalating series of disturbing events, they come to learn that a terrifying and deadly force is after them.

7. The Purge: Anarchy (2014)

One day a year, it’s every barely-contained psycho’s civic duty to blow off a little steam. You may want to stay inside… 

8. The Exorcism of Emily Rose (2005)

An agnostic defence attorney is alarmed when she starts to believe her client – a priest accused of negligent homicide after an exorcism gone wrong. Was it neglect or demons that killed her? Only the dead can make them believe… (Starring Dexter’s Jennifer Carpenter)

9. The Town That Dreaded Sundown (2014)

October 31, 2013. 65 years after a masked serial killer terrorized the small town of Texarkana, the so-called 'moonlight murders' begin again. Is it a copycat, or something even more sinister? A lonely high school girl - with dark secrets of her own - may be the key to catching him.

10. Scary Movie (2000)

From a bumbling killer to razor-sharp one-liners, this demented horror-meets-humour parody offends everyone equally. (Starring Anna Faris, Shannon Elizabeth and Marlon Wayans)

11. Paranormal Activity (2009)

They wanted to see the things that go bump in the night. They’ll wish they never opened that door…

12. Beneath (2007)

Years after a car accident that left her sister disfigured, Christy is plagued by nightmares of her sibling being buried alive. Could it be the guilt… or something far more sinister?

13. Saw III (2006)

Part mystery, part adventure - all torture. The murderous game-playing maniac is back – and as gruesomely creative as ever.

14. The Amityville Horror (2005)

Nightmare visions of their home’s gory past haunt a suburban family. Could demonic forces be at play? Or are they simply going out of their minds? (Starring Ryan Reynolds and Chloë Moretz)

15. The Woman In Black (2012)

Sent to an isolated village to tie up his deceased client’s affairs, a young lawyer finds himself in a community grappling with a sinister presence. What she wants is unknown but she always comes back… the spectre of darkness: the woman in black. (Starring Daniel Radcliffe and Ciarán Hinds)

16. The Eye (2008)

A blind violinist regains her sight after a corneal transplant – but the side effects include the ability to see supernatural beings. Perhaps blindness was better… (Starring Jessica Alba)

17. Let Me In (2010)

A young, bullied boy finally finds a friend he can depend on. But why does she only appear after dark? He soon suspects that this mysterious friend is hiding a dark secret. (Starring Chloë Moretz)

18. As Above, So Below (2014)

When group of explorers ventures into the catacombs that lie beneath the streets of Paris, they uncover the dark secret that lies within this city of the dead. And now, they may never see daylight again…

19. The Ring Two (2005)

A haunted mother and son embark on a new life – but they soon discover that evil is still lurking in the darkness…

20. Holidays (2016)

Eight gleefully grim tales set on Halloween, Mother’s Day, St. Patrick’s Day and other famous holidays comprise this chilling horror anthology.

21. Patrick (2013)

At a private clinic, a young nurse soon discovers that one of the comatose patients is actually quite sinister. (Starring Charles Dance)

22. Creep (2014)

When a videographer answers a Craigslist ad for a one-day job in a remote mountain town, he finds his client is not at all what he initially seems…

23. The Diabolical (2015)

Terrorized by unexplained disturbances and horrific visions in her home, a young widowed mother turns to her scientist boyfriend, asking him to destroy the violent spirit that paranormal experts are too frightened to take on.

24. The Stepfather (2009)

A series of mysterious events makes a teenager suspect that his mother’s new boyfriend may be a dangerous serial killer known for preying on families. Will anyone believe him before it’s too late? (Starring Gossip Girl’s Penn Badgley, Amber Heard, and Dylan Walsh)

25. Scream (1996)

Sidney, attempting to cope with her mother's mysterious murder, and her horror movie-obsessed friends are stalked by an unknown killer who seems to have a hard time letting go of the past. (Starring Courtney Cox, David Arquette, and featuring Drew Barrymore)

26. Finders Keepers (2014)

The previous owners of this house failed to remove a creepy doll. Or maybe she removed them first…

After Aubrey Fleming escapes from a sadistic serial killer, she can’t help but shake the feeling that she’s no longer Aubrey – and that the real Aubrey Fleming is still in mortal danger. How can she convince someone before it’s too late? (Starring Lindsay Lohan)

28. The Apparition (2012)

Three students unleash a spirit that feeds on human terror. To make it go away, they must conquer their fear. (Starring Tom Felton and Twilight’s Ashley Greene)

29. Rosewood Lane (2011)

After returning to her hometown, a radio shrink learns that her creepy paper boy may have killed her father – and that she could be his next target. The neighbours say stay away from the paperboy… and they’re dead right. (Starring Rose McGowan)

30. Dark Summer (2015)

When a 17-year-old boy finds himself on house arrest for the summer, a horrifying incident occurs - leaving an ominous presence in the house. (Starring Keir Gilchrist and Pete Stormare)

31. The Poltergeist (2015)

A family whose suburban home is haunted by evil forces must come together to rescue their youngest daughter after the apparitions take her captive.