The cliché is true. When you’re depressed, all you can see is darkness. My first ever counsellor described this as the “Depression Veil”. The Depression Veil blocks out the sun, and stops you from seeing that all-important "light at the end of the tunnel".
Slowly but surely though, in 2012, I started to peel the veil back from my face.
First, there was just a little bit of light – but you'd be amazed by what a difference a little bit can make. Just to see the light – to finally know that it was there… it gave me something to live for.
Don’t get me wrong: the tunnel was long. I didn’t escape it overnight. Some days were harder than others. Some were okay, some felt like running a marathon.
It took support from other people. It took medication. It took therapy. It took work. It took perseverance. It took hope, but it also took acceptance. Acceptance that some days I’d get closer, some days I’d fall behind.
Some people think optimism is the answer to tackling depression, but I don’t think that’s it. I think it’s realism. Accepting that some days are good, some days are bad, and that’s okay. Acknowledging that each day is a new day, and taking it one step at a time.
I gave my thoughts a makeover, too. Every day, I actively tried to make my mind a less negative space. It was like a domino effect. Once I started getting help – once I saw that things could get better – I was determined to do everything I could to make that happen.
First, I stopped dwelling on the past. Bad days get crossed out on my calendar. I’m not allowed to relive them, or beat myself up about them. Then, I stopped fearing the future. I stop bad thoughts in their tracks. I can’t predict what’s going to happen, so why stress about it?
I found healthier ways to express my feelings – like through talking, or occasionally through writing. I stopped wallowing in my sadness all the time. I found happy pick-me-ups, which I turn to when I’m feeling down. I stopped avoiding my fears. Instead, I started trying to tackle them head-on. It’s not easy – but it sure as hell gets easier.
Recovery: it’s been like learning to walk again. I began by crawling. An unsteady crawl. Then eventually, I found my footing. I was a bit wobbly at first, but it got easier. Sometimes I fall, but I get back up again.
You can always get back up again.
If I could turn back the clock, I’d talk to my 14-year-old self, back before any of this ever happened. I’d go back, and I’d tell her all of the things that I know now. Maybe this could give her hope on the bad days, and remind her that there is a way out. Maybe it could save her from suffering as much as she did.
Maybe these lessons are things that we should all learn at some point in our lives… and why wait to learn them the hard way, when you can start learning them now?
Things I’d tell my 14-year-old Self
1.Don’t let a bad week convince you that you have a bad life. Life comes with ups and downs. Bad times can feel all-consuming, but don’t let them swallow you whole. They will pass. They always do. Remember that.
2. Never keep your problems to yourself. Please. They’ll just bubble up and up until you explode. Instead of suffering in silence, realise that there is help out there and people to talk to. Opening up is the first step towards healing.
3. A lot of the things that keep you up at night worrying won’t even matter in a year’s time. That fall-out that you had with your friend, that class that you’re stressing over, that boy who you might have ruined it with… Stop worrying about it all so much. You'll get through it, you'll come out the other side – and, oftentimes, you'll probably forget it even happened. Save yourself the time, stress and energy. Take a deep breath and let your worries go.
4. Don’t stress yourself out by constantly striving to be as ‘good’ as other people. You are your own person. We’re all on different paths. Focus on growing and progressing in your own time, rather than wasting your energy on comparing yourself to others. The only person you should ever strive to be is the best version of yourself.
5. Stop worrying about the future. You never know what it might bring, so there's no point in stressing about it. After all, it won't change the outcome. Just take each day one step at a time.
6. Try not to care what other people think. Worrying about what others might think of you is such a waste of time and energy. Stop and ask yourself for a moment: does it even matter? Instead, focus on yourself. As the saying goes, “What other people think of me is none of my business”. Refusing to stress over it is one of the biggest keys to freedom.
7. Not everything you do will go to plan – but don’t focus solely on the outcome. Focus on the fact that you were brave enough to try. That in itself is not a failure.
8. Don’t stress about the little things. There are so many small, daily things that we allow ourselves to get hung-up on. Remember: stressing won’t change anything. It’s not a worthy use of your time. Start being mindful of your negative thoughts and shake off what’s not important. You’ll be amazed by how much happier you'll start to feel.
9. Focus on how far you’ve come – not on how far you have left to go. We spend far too much time beating ourselves up, and not enough time praising ourselves. Choose to build yourself up, rather than tearing yourself down.
10. Every new day is an opportunity to change your life. It’s never too late to start.
11. Most importantly: know that pain ends, things get better… and you should be around to see it.
11. Most importantly: know that pain ends, things get better… and you should be around to see it.
Although I would rewrite the past if I could, I would never want to erase these lessons that I’ve learned over the last few years. Of course, I wish I could have learned them sooner. I wish I’d not had to learn them the hard way… But for other people, it’s not too late.
Which is why I chose to share this with you.
Lots of love always,
I’ve been blogging all week up until today's World Mental Health Day, covering different parts of my experience with mental illness.
Catch up with my posts on Facebook or bloglovin’.
Catch up with my posts on Facebook or bloglovin’.
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