“I didn’t want to wake up. I was having a much better time asleep. And that’s really sad. It was almost like a reverse nightmare, like when you wake up from a nightmare you’re so relieved. I woke up into a nightmare.”
— Ned Vizzini, It’s Kind Of A Funny Story
For the whole week up until World Mental Health Day, I'm going to be blogging about different parts of my experience with mental illness, starting with depression. It’s a lot easier to write about now, because a lot of it feels so far behind me. But, when I first got diagnosed, I truly thought that everything was going to be that awful forever.
I do think it’s worth covering the darker parts, though, because my past experience is some people’s current experience. And one of the hardest parts of being ill was the fear that nobody would understand and that everyone would judge me. But the more we talk about it, the more people will understand, and the less people will feel alone.
If someone were to ask me how depression feels, the first word that would come to mind is “painful”. A lot of people describe it as a numbness – but for me, it was a constant, never-ending pain.
I would go to bed every night, praying that it would be the last time I closed my eyes. I would wake up every morning, devastated that I was still alive. When people talked about the future, I would immediately zone them out. I had no intention of ever living that long. When good things happened, my brain would tell me I should be happy – but even so, I just couldn’t feel it. The world was awful. That’s what my mind told me. One small glimmer of goodness couldn’t undo all the bad.
There was an element of numbness, I guess – but ‘numbness’ suggests an absence of feeling. I would describe it as more of a dull ache. A pain that lasted so long, you almost got used to feeling it.
Almost. But not quite.
That didn’t stop it from hurting.
The days all blurred together. One long, dark, unbearable blur. There’s a scene in one of the Twilight movies (yes, I’m admitting to watching Twilight), where we see Bella sitting at her window, waiting for Edward. The camera circles around her, and the months flash up on screen.
October. November. December.
The world carries on spinning. The seasons change. But Bella stays trapped in her misery.
To me, that’s exactly how it felt.
Then, of course, there’s all the clichés. Clearly, they became clichés for a reason – that reason being: they’re true. And, when you’ve experienced depression, they all start to make perfect sense.
There’s the weight on your shoulders, making you feel weak and tired. The dark cloud looming above your head, that no one but you seems to see. The heaviness in your chest. The knots in your stomach. The knife through your heart. The darkness all around you.
The depression consumed every thought. Every feeling. Every waking moment. It wasn’t just a part of me. It became me.
It felt like I was trapped, and there was no use in looking for a way out. Back then, I didn’t think there was a way out.
Except – spoiler – there was, which is something that I’ll blog about more on the lead-up to World Mental Health day.
I wish I could go back in time and tell myself that it would get better – although even then, I’m not sure I would have believed it. It was something people said again and again, but it all fell on deaf ears. Yet here I am, eight years on, and I don’t feel sad when I wake up anymore. In fact, I want to be alive. I think of all the things I would have missed, all the people I wouldn’t have met, if I hadn’t stuck around. My life has changed so much in the last eight years, and even more so in the last 12 months. Things might not always be perfect, and there might be bad moments, but now I know that they’re just bumps in the road.
And even though I can’t go back and tell my past self that, hopefully I can help someone who might be feeling this way in the present.
Keep hanging in there, because I promise you that one day, you’ll thank yourself for it.
Things That Help Me When I’m Feeling Depressed
1. Talking about it
2. Time with friends and family
3. Comedy shows
4. Comedy movies
5. Warm blankets
6. Positive quotes
7. Cuddles with my cat
8. Upbeat music
9. Pampering myself
10. Listening to podcasts
11. Hugging it out
12. Letting it out
13. Baking something
14. Keeping a gratitude journal
15. Telling myself that every day is a new day
Love,
I’ll be blogging all week up until World Mental Health Day, covering different parts of my experience with mental illness. Keep up with my posts on Facebook or bloglovin’.
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