(Re)-Introducing Myself

When I first introduced myself on this blog in 2015, I was a 19-year-old Creative Writing student from South Wales.

I’m now a 26-year-old Creative Writing graduate from South Wales – and a few other things have changed, as well.

Shortly after graduating in 2017, I posted about my scoliosis. That same month, I had scoliosis surgery, and was left with debilitating chronic pain in the lower left side of my body, chronic tachycardia, a heart murmur, respiratory issues, and dramatically fluctuating blood pressure.

I slowly but surely came to the realisation that I was never going to make a full 'recovery', and mentally grappled with labelling myself as 'disabled'. There are times when it feels like my health completely defines me, but of course there’s a lot more to me than my diagnoses.

I’m still as obsessed with cats (particularly my own) as I was when I was 19. I’ve not put down the eyeliner, either – no matter how much Gen-Z insists that it’s not trendy anymore. I’m still a massive daydreamer, and I still fall head-over-heels in love with fictional characters (see: Robin Buckley and Maeve Wiley). My habit of binge-watching YouTube videos hasn’t continued, but it has been replaced by an avid love of podcasts.

I wish I could say that life post-university has been really exciting, but I don’t have anything too major to report. I’ve made friends and lost friends. I’ve wondered whether I’m aromantic, had my first love, subsequently realised that I’m not aromantic, and had my first heartbreak. I’ve celebrated getting promotions and cried over making mistakes. I’ve seen four more therapists and four more physiotherapists (and I think I’m finally getting somewhere?). I’ve fallen in love with my queerness and come out to my family. I’ve experienced some very high highs and lived through some really low lows.

In the last five years, I’ve had more medical appointments, seen more health professionals and trialled more medications than I can count. Because of my health, writing and other hobbies became less of a priority – but I’d like to change that this year. I’ve been working in social media and communications since my surgery, and the switch to home-working has been hugely beneficial. I’m still living with my parents for now, while I try to figure out how the hell to balance chronic illness with independence.

In all honesty, life since graduation hasn’t gone how I expected. And although I’m writing this post to (re-)introduce myself, I think, ultimately, I’m still figuring out who I am.

I’m learning to be okay with that, though. I know I’m not alone.

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10 Tips to Cope in Lockdown

1. Plan a routine – but don’t be too hard on yourself if you don’t always stick to it. When so much feels out of our control, having a routine can help our days feel like they still have some kind of order to them. If you're working from home, work out a basic structure for your mornings, afternoons and evenings. Make sure that you're not working too much, for too long, or forgetting to take breaks – and don't forget to schedule some enjoyable activities into your days and weeks, too!

2. Try to maintain some balance. Not having a social life to counterbalance your work life is mentally tough. Avoid burnout by trying to find balance elsewhere – for example, by taking part in hobbies or treating yourself.

3. In other words, take some me-time! I know it’s hard when you’re limited in what you can do, but spending all of your time working or doom-scrolling on social media will suck the life out of you. Make a list of the things you enjoy doing (taking government guidelines into account, of course) and make! time! for! those! things! It'll give you something to look forward to and keep your spirits up.

4. Stay connected online. When you can, that is. Don’t put pressure on yourself to constantly be available if you can’t be (whether that’s because you’re too busy, too tired, or just too deflated). But if you’re feeling lonely, reach out – whether that’s via video call or just with a simple message. Most of your loved ones are probably feeling the same way, so they’ll be glad to talk to you.

5. Make to-do lists at the start of each day. With the world so upside-down and jumbled, I find that my brain often ends up pretty jumbled too. To-do lists will help you to keep on top of things and avoid getting overwhelmed when trying to remember it all. If you want to be even more organised, listing tasks in order of priority is something that always helps me to stay on track.

6. Make “ta-da” lists at the end of each day. This is a list of all of the things that you’ve achieved in your day. These things don’t have to be work tasks or typically “productive” activities – they could be as simple as eating three meals a day, getting enough sleep, or treating yourself to some me-time. Celebrating your achievements is just as important as setting yourself goals!

7. DON’T beat yourself up if there are times that you feel like you “haven’t achieved much” in your day. Just making it through a crappy day is a massive achievement in itself. Seriously. You’ve been living through a crisis for almost a year now. Give yourself a pat on the back.

8. Take a step back from focusing on the things you can’t control. Yes, I’m talking about politics and pandemics. If reading negative headlines and online debates is affecting your mental health, protect your emotional energy by trying to avoid them as much as possible. The block and mute buttons are your friends.

9. Focus on the things you CAN control. Try to work on them little by little. When you’re feeling powerless, it’s important to find the things that you do have power over.

10. Remember: You’ve got this. And on the days that it feels like you haven’t got this, that’s okay too. These are just tips to help you if and when you feel like they’ll help. Handle this however you need to handle this, and know that however you’re feeling or coping is valid.

New Year, New Me(-ish)

Guess who got a walking stick?! (Spoiler alert: it's me.)

For a long time, I was scared that getting a stick would mean I’m “letting my disability win” – but then I realised just how ridiculous that is. I would never think that of anybody else, so why would I believe that about myself? By getting a stick, I’m doing the *opposite* of letting my disability "win". Mobility aids are empowering. They don’t make you more disabled; they make you more able. And although I know my disability doesn’t make me a lesser person, living a life with limits is, undeniably, pretty hard at times. This stick will help me break down some of those barriers. It doesn’t change who I am. In fact, it gives me back some of the freedom and independence that I used to have.

I should admit that I struggle with the word 'disability' sometimes – but not because I think it’s a bad word. I don’t think it’s restrictive; I think it’s freeing. Acknowledging that you have certain limitations allows you to get the support that you need to live your life with less limits.

My struggle with the word 'disability' is that I often don’t feel “disabled enough” to call my difficulties 'disabilities', to be a valid member of the disability community, or to use mobility aids. I have what's known as a dynamic disability. In other words, my ability fluctuates. There are days where I can function with a lot less trouble. It might be tougher, more painful and put more strain on my body than the average person’s, but to an outsider, I look fine. But there are also days where I struggle to get out of bed, my legs won’t co-operate, I can’t keep up with anybody... Sometimes, I lose my stamina altogether. I can’t walk for as long as I used to, or as easily, quickly or strongly. So why not use some extra help when I need it? Many people with mobility aids don’t need them all the time, but that doesn’t make the times that they do need them any less valid.

After one tricky day out too many, I finally decided to get myself a cool, floral walking stick from WalkingSticks.co.uk. (Sticks can be an aid AND a cute accessory, after all – right?!) I won’t use it all the time and I don’t know whether there’ll come a time when I don’t need it anymore, because I don’t know what the future holds for me. But for now, I know that – thanks to my stick – my future holds less difficulties and more freedom… and I’m SO excited about that.

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